Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
