Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize