just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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