I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There's even glitter on my cock...
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