well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
