Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
