well I can't set my house on fire every night
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
