the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
