they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
