your parents love me but you hate me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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