zippers are such a cool invention
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
