does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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