Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
