I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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