Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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