Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
