I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
