i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
