Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
