If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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