so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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