Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
