i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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