Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my sisters under your porch take her home
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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