never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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