sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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