I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
