My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
