I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
