Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You pole danced in your parka.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
