I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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