in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
