You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm really busy with my period
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