this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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