I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
