Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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