what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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