They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
