I wish life had little blips of pornography
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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