My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
