Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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