Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
