Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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