I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the condom got lost in my hair
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it's like iHOP with fire
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
