dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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