I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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