I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
