why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
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