My hand turned me down
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
