Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
