evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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