She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Randomize
