guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
